Have you ever been with someone that somehow becoming toxic? Do you ever feel like you want to detached from anything that makes you feel your self worth is a trash?
Through the sequence of my life i’ve been in an unofficial relationship with Mr. G. I’ve meet him through my bestfriend’s then boyfriend and we hit it off right off the bat. Seems wonderful for a time. The phonecall, impromptu visit and most especially the make out session. For a time i feel like that i was that special to him since that’s how he makes me feel.And i do feel like i really do love him then only to find out he has a long time girlfriend which i try not to mind since he told me “he wanted out” from their relationship. As much as i try to set it aside another lightning strikes, the said girlfriend is pregnant with his child. It was a crash i cant take, also i have told myself that i can take him taking time while doing his relationship with her but with a baby on board is a real deal breaker. I was devastated yet i have to end it. So i did.
Three years after that he called. We talk and text just like before. I’ve learned that he and his wife are heading to the splitsville and amicably trying to raise their kid separately. A spring of hope blossoms inside me, this new chance that i thought i have obliterate all the bad experience we had. Once again there this hope, hope that this time we can make things right. As the months go by i was contented on seeing him on his terms, the calls begin to get shorter and shorter becomes every once in awhile. I keep seeing him and we acted as if we are together when we are together but something doesnt seem right deep within. Assessing with my emotion i know i dont feel right, i should feel happy that he’s free but what’s in it for me? Everytime we’re together everything is as smooth as it should be, but as we part i feel like im nothing to him. Then i come to realize, i was nothing to him. He’s keeping me for his convenience and since i didnt complain he keep me at his side and as harsh it is to admit. He keeps me to keep him entertained when his bored. The last straw that snaps out of me was when the time when we’re together he keeps peering on my phone which is ok with me.But when i start to look at his phone his full on evasive. I ignore it at first but when he took me home ive sent a message to him and asking if there is someone else. Ive waited for days and no answer. After a few week a message from my him asking how i am, and finally i told him to fuck off… 😜
That’s when i tell myself no more. i refuse to be the on the side girl, and i refuse to be second best while his trying out his option.I have been clinging on my relationship for so long just to make me feel that i am wanted, beautiful and yet what it’s proven is my self worth in a trash. It’s a hard lesson to learn and yet im on my way to mastering it. It still terrifies me to be alone but im more ok to be by myself and feel amazing than to be with someone and make me feel like i am inconsequetial.